Regret

I’m a bitch; I’m the first one to admit that. I’ve done horrible things to kind people. While I like to say that I didn’t know any better it still doesn’t change the fact that I’ve offended people… HURT even. One such incident lead me stay away from dating for two years.

 There was a time when I would see someone one to two times then it wouldn’t work out for whatever reason; I wasn’t interested, they weren’t interested, whatever, didn’t work out. During this time I wound up on jury duty with this guy that wasn’t particularly attractive but we exchanged numbers anyway. Instead of actually going out with this guy I kept telling him I was busy. Truth be told I was extremely busy trying to work full time while taking level 300 classes full time. For whatever reason, I kept talking to him for MONTHS. Each time he asked to meet up I gave him the same few reasons why I couldn’t; homework, tired, busy week, washing my hair, etc. All the while this poor sweet guy just wanted to get to know me better. He finally stopped contacting me and got a real girlfriend.

After he stopped talking to me for a while I stopped to think, “Hey, if I really wanted to get to know this guy I would have made time for him. I make time for my friends and family but I couldn’t give this poor guy an hour or two of my time.” This lead right into my natural cycle of depression so I decided to stop seeing people for a few months but next time give that person the chance.

Fast forward two years and I’m still single but now know exactly how this poor guy felt. While I’m sure the person I saw three times (this is the most I’ve seen someone in seven years, yay) is very busy or tired or just needs to wash their hair I can’t help but remember when I hurt that poor guy. Since I can’t just shut my brain off like a normal person the situation has made me a neurotic mess; half a day I’m feeling great, the other half I’m freaking out that I did something wrong or that nothing in life will ever go right. EVER.

Life will probably go back to normal shortly; it’s time to start ordering Christmas retail for the shop, I’ve started to work on getting in shape, and I have plenty of books to read but this life is a lonely one. Perhaps I’m mourning the few weeks that someone I was interested in felt the same or perhaps I truly am crazy. But life goes on.

Moral of the story: if you can’t make time for someone or WON’T make time for someone it’s probably time to throw in the towel. You may feel great because there’s someone who wants to be with you but they feel like shit because you aren’t giving them the time of day. Just let that person know that you no longer wish to see them and that’s that. You’ll get more respect and live without a lot of regret.  

To Each His Own

Running late you slip out of your sunshine yellow Chevy Aveo only to stand outside the house. The three bedroom single family home with two car garage, perfectly manicured lawn, and white plastic fence remind you of the suburban hell you long to escape. This will be your prison for at least two hours. 

Walking up the driveway you prepare yourself for everyone's questions: 

"How have you BEEN?" ...fine

"What have you been doing... besides working?" ...working, seeing friends... you know... stuff...

"How's apartment life?" It's great, last-

"When can we SEE you?" ... I'll have to check my schedule...

"When are you going to get a boyfriend?" ...

Once you finally make it up to the door you're greeted by two Irish Setters, your aunt, uncle, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, mother, father, and grandmother. Each person takes the time to let you know how special you are to them and that you should come around more often, call even. You smile and nod the whole entire way to the sofa where you plop down waiting for the questions.

No one quite understands your answers or why you’re being so quiet. Eventually everyone talks about you as if you weren’t in the room but much nicer.

“Her hair looks nice.”

“She’s looking good.”

“I like her shirt.”

When your nephew climbs on you your aunt says, “I’ll bet you can’t wait to have one of your own.”

You give her a glare, a response she expects.

“She’ll have to wait until she finds a boyfriend then get married before she even thinks about that,” your mother says completely missing the point.

The situation has become dire; you decide to read the book you packed just in case. Suddenly everyone needs to ask you what book you’re reading to break the deadly silence. Since no one seems to know who Chuck Palahniuk is you explain that he wrote Fight Club but of course everyone missed that one when it came out.

As time goes by the party goers are less interested in you and more interested in the toddler trying to play with a Dino scooter from the 70’s. Your sister-in-law is concerned about the safety of the toy since two generations of your family probably horribly maimed themselves on it and he is going to be the next victim.

After the terrible toy is taken away your sweaty father sits down next to you putting his slimy arm over your shoulder.

“I love you kid.” …

“You could call us once in a while.” … I could…

“We miss you kid.” …

“Well, if you need anything you just have to ask.” … okay…

He gets up to follow the toddler who has embarked on yet another adventure. At this point some of the older crowd start to leave now is your chance to get out. You say your good byes and walk gracefully to your car.

Once in the car you less gracefully start feeling down again, you had been raised to find a boyfriend, get married, and have children (or pets). But that’s not your life; that’s the life of the people in that house. You chose not to perpetuate the stigma that this is all there is in life. This gives you meaning as you drive home but when you arrive you get depressed because you realize that you feel so alone.